HEART DIAGNOSIS

Nobody's going to tell you this. You sinned. You feel terrible. On your knees. "God, how could I do that? What is WRONG with me?" How could I. What's wrong with me. I'm such a failure. Every sentence starts with "I." Not one word about God. Not one word about who you sinned AGAINST. When David sinned he said "Against thee, thee only have I sinned." THEE. THEE. THEE. His grief pointed upward. Yours points inward. One leads to change. The other just leads to a better self-image. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. You did something generous. A week later, they let you down. And from nowhere: "After everything I did for you." You never told them you were keeping count. But you were. Every favor. Every sacrifice. Filed. You weren't giving. You were lending at interest. And the interest was their loyalty. It was a transaction disguised as love. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. You pray differently when someone can hear you. The vocabulary changes. The cadence changes. Theology shows up that never shows up alone. But alone — five minutes. Distracted. Can barely finish a thought. The audience changed. And the prayer changed with it. So who were you talking to? You weren't praying to God in front of them. You were performing for them in front of God. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. "I'm just being honest." That's what you say right before you open someone up. But watch what happens in your chest after. There's a flush. Not the grief of hurting someone. The satisfaction of standing over them with something they can't argue with. Your honesty wasn't for them. It was a weapon. And "I'm just being honest" was the permission slip. Truth in the wrong hands is the most sophisticated form of deception. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. What's the FIRST thing you do when you learn something? You tell someone. "I was actually reading about this the other day..." You're not sharing knowledge. You're displaying it. That's why you're more excited to DISCUSS what you read than to OBEY it. Paul didn't say knowledge destroys. He said it INFLATES. And inflated things are hollow. Your bookshelf is not your sanctification. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. Prayer answered. Crisis resolved. Your heart swelled with love for God. But did the love come before the blessing — or after? Because if it came after, you didn't fall in love with God. You fell in love with the relief. Satan understood this before any theologian did. "Does Job serve God for nothing?" Even the devil knew that subsidized love is worthless. Would you worship the God who didn't answer? If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. Someone praises you. You deflect. "All glory to God." And you walk away feeling humble. But pride doesn't just hide behind your sins. It hides behind your GRACES. Your patience. Your gentleness. Your humility. Especially your humility. Because that's the last place anyone would look. Pride in a sin is clumsy. Pride wearing humility — that's a masterpiece. It's the one disguise that gets applauded. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. Someone you love is suffering. You feel it. You post about it. You tell people how broken you are. But broken for THEM — or for what their pain does to YOUR world? La Rochefoucauld: "We all have strength enough to bear the misfortunes of others." And some grief is even simpler. You grieve because NOT grieving would make you look cold. The tears aren't for them. They're for your image. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. You see someone struggling. Your heart goes out. You want to help. And it feels selfless. But why does helping feel so GOOD? Because compassion only flows downward. The helper is above. The helped is below. And your ego knows exactly which position it prefers. You're not being selfless. You're enjoying a view that only exists because someone else is lower than you. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. You learned you're elect. Chosen before the foundation of the world. And something shifted. Not just peace — a sense of being SPECIAL. Set apart. Not like them. Edwards: "Their very lusts will make Christ seem lovely. Pride itself will prejudice them in favor of that which they call Christ." Your PRIDE can manufacture love for Jesus. Not the real Jesus — a Jesus shaped by your self-love. One who confirms how special you are. Same doctrine. Same Bible. Completely different hearts. And the feelings are identical. That's what makes it terrifying. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. Someone compliments you. You wave it off. "No no — it was nothing." So they push harder. "No seriously, that was incredible." Now you've been praised twice. Here's the test. If they had just said "okay" and moved on — would you feel relieved? Or bothered? La Rochefoucauld: "Refusing praise reveals a desire to be praised twice." 1665. The game hasn't changed. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. You sinned again. The same sin. And something strange happened — you didn't just feel guilty. You felt a dark kind of comfort. "This is who I am. This is what I do." That resignation felt better than fighting. Because fighting means hoping. And hoping means you might fail again. So you stopped hoping. Dostoevsky: "I found pleasure in the very feeling of my own degradation." Not because he enjoyed suffering. But because suffering asked NOTHING of him. The guilt isn't repentance. It's a sedative. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. Your prayers used to be raw. Desperate. You'd pour yourself out like water. What happened? You grew in knowledge. And without noticing, the prayers got shorter. More polished. Less desperate. You started praying like someone who understands grace instead of someone who needs it. That's why new believers pray like they're drowning and mature believers pray like they're filing paperwork. "I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride." He misses the version of you that couldn't survive without Him. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. You realize you've been a hypocrite. Something clicks. "I've been fake. I see it now." And that feels GOOD. Because you just leveled up. You're no longer a hypocrite — you're the rare person who's HONEST about their hypocrisy. And that honesty just became your new performance. Dostoevsky: "I was lying. And the confession was also a lie." Jeremiah said the heart is deceitful above ALL things. Not some things. ALL. There is no floor. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. "I'll deal with it tomorrow." You've said that about the same sin for months. And it feels responsible. You're not ignoring it — you're scheduling it. But tomorrow lets you keep the sin today in exchange for a promise you never intend to keep. Sin doesn't need your yes. It just needs your not yet. Felix said it to Paul's face — "When I find a convenient time, I will call for you." He never called. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. It didn't start with the thing you're ashamed of. It started with something small. A glance. A thought you let sit three seconds too long. "It's nothing." But sin never asks for the whole thing at once. It asks for an inch. Just consider it. Just look. Just this once. Sin gains more ground by inches than by assault — because an assault you'd fight. A slow drift feels like standing still. The last step feels exactly like the first. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. You had a genuine moment with someone. Real vulnerability. And then you ruined it. Made a joke. Pulled back. Maybe picked a fight. Because the genuine moment made you feel exposed. You showed something real and you can't control what they do with it. So you killed it. Rewrote it as something smaller. "It wasn't that deep." It was that deep. You know it was. That's why you had to destroy it. The real thing was the only thing worth having. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. You're quick to admit your small faults. "I struggle with patience." "I should pray more." La Rochefoucauld: "We confess to small faults only to persuade others that we have no great ones." Your transparency is a strategy. By admitting the small stuff, you build a reputation for honesty that makes people assume there's nothing bigger underneath. They weren't hiding their sins by denying them. They were hiding their sins by confessing different ones. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. You started performing years ago. The Christian smile. The right answers. And at first you knew it was a performance. You felt the gap. But the gap closed. Not because you became real — because the mask fused to your face. "We become so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that at last we are disguised to ourselves." You can't remove a mask you can no longer feel. You can't repent of a performance you've forgotten you're giving. You might be the last person to know who you really are. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. You're loyal. Dependable. The friend who shows up. And that's become central to who you are. "The fidelity of most men is merely an invention of self-love to win confidence — a method to place us above others." Every time you show up and someone else doesn't, you win a quiet comparison. You're not loyal to them. You're loyal to the version of yourself that loyalty produces. "You have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead." If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. "Money doesn't matter." "I'm content with little." "God is enough." But are those words coming from peace — or are you baptizing your limitation and calling it a conviction? "The contempt of riches was only a hidden desire to avenge their merit upon the injustice of fortune." You couldn't get it. So you made not wanting it a virtue. And now you look DOWN on people who have it. Paul had both abundance and need. His contentment wasn't poverty-only. Can you say the same? If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. "Our virtues are most frequently but vices disguised." Your patience — might be cowardice avoiding conflict. Your generosity — might be pride buying loyalty. Your gentleness — might be fear dressed in a Sunday suit. Isaiah didn't say our sins are filthy rags. He said our RIGHTEOUSNESSES are filthy rags. The good stuff. The stuff you're proud of. You'll never produce a virtue clean enough to trust. And the moment you think you have — that confidence is the vice wearing its finest disguise. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. You think your beliefs shape your desires. That learning the right doctrine will fix the wrong impulse. "The head is ever the dupe of the heart." Your theology doesn't control your desires. Your desires choose your theology. You landed on the doctrine that made you feel the way you wanted to feel. That's why two people read the same Bible and arrive at opposite convictions. The text didn't change. The hearts were different. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

"Our repentance is not so much sorrow for what we've done — as fear of what might happen to us." Three hundred years ago. Nothing's changed. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

"Self-love is more cunning than the most cunning man in the world." You will never outsmart your own heart. That's why you need something outside yourself to search it. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

"If we had no faults, we should not take so much pleasure in noting those of others." You see their sin so clearly because yours needs the distraction. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

"The gratitude of most men is but a secret desire of receiving greater benefits." You're not grateful. You're investing. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody counterfeits copper. The more excellent a thing is, the more counterfeits it produces. More fake diamonds than fake rocks. And there are more counterfeits of love and humility than any other grace — because those are the ones worth faking. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. You've been running your own spiritual evaluation. And you gave yourself a passing grade. But here's the problem. The tool you're using to examine your heart IS your heart. The thing doing the looking is the thing that needs to be seen. You can read everyone else in a room. Their pride is obvious. Their self-deception is embarrassing. But turn that eye inward and something shifts. A whisper: that's me. And objectivity dies on contact. Jeremiah asked, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked — who can know it?" Then God answers His own question: "I the LORD search the heart." Not you. Him. You were never qualified for this job. And the confidence that you've already done it? That's the diagnosis. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. You posted that clip hoping the comments would make you believe what you're not sure of yet. That's vanity. Not confidence performing — insecurity auditioning. You don't share because you know you're anointed. You share because you need someone else to say it first. The testimony wasn't for them. The sermon highlight wasn't for God. It was a poll. "Do I matter? Does this count? Am I real?" "Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth." You're not promoting the gospel. You're outsourcing your self-worth to strangers and calling it ministry. And the silence between posts? That's not rest. That's withdrawal. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. You've never been present for a single moment of your spiritual life. You sit in the prayer closet composing the sermon you'll preach about prayer. You read your Bible already writing the caption. You evangelize while rehearsing how you'll describe it later. The actual moment — the one where God meets you — you skip it every time. You're always one step ahead, living in the version of yourself that doesn't exist yet. "What is your life? It is even a vapour." And you're spending the vapour rehearsing for tomorrow's vapour. The present is the only place God operates. And you've never shown up. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. Your best sermon was your worst sin. The doctrine was sound. The delivery was powerful. People were moved. And the pride riding inside every word was the real content of the hour. "When I would do good, evil is present WITH me." Not instead of me. With me. An old saint once said he was more afraid of his duties than of his sins. His sins made him humble. His duties made him proud. "All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags." Not your failures. Your righteousnesses. The best thing you ever did for God was contaminated at the source. And the satisfaction you felt afterward? That was the contamination announcing itself. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. Your repentance might be the most sophisticated act of self-love you've ever performed. You weep over your sin. You feel the weight. You confess with real tears. And somewhere beneath all of it, self-love is scoring its greatest victory — because now you feel like the kind of person who repents well. Self-love's most brilliant move? Losing on purpose. Surrendering so it can win through the appearance of defeat. "Godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation. But the sorrow of the world worketh death." One kills the sin. The other performs the funeral. You've been performing funerals. And the tears were the applause. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Nobody's going to tell you this. Your growing theology shelf is a symptom, not a sign of health. Dropsy is when the body swells with fluid. From the outside it looks like growth. But the swelling IS the disease. The organs are failing while the body gets bigger. "Knowledge puffeth up." You've read the Puritans. You've read the Reformers. You can quote dead men in your sleep. And what changed? Not your knowledge — that grew. Your heart. Did that move? If your heart didn't change, the reading wasn't growth. It was fluid retention. And the swelling feels exactly like strength. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Your most impressive act of obedience will be found out as your most impressive sin — if you were the point of it. Two things make a good Christian. Good actions and good aims. Your actions? Impressive. Your aim? You. "They have their reward." And it's the only one they'll get. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. "I feel God leading me" is the most dangerous sentence in your vocabulary. Because wanting something badly enough feels identical to being led. "I have peace about this decision." Is it peace? Or is it the relief of giving in to what you wanted all along? "God opened this door." Did He? Or did you push it open and then thank Him for the view? You've been calling your desires "leadings" and your preferences "callings." And the wanting has been wearing discernment's clothes so long you can't tell them apart. "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm." Your flesh. Your desire. Your hope dressed as His voice. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Here's the test. Remove every audience. Delete every platform. Cancel every witness. If the engine stops, you just found the fuel. And it was never God. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

You already know this, you're just hoping I won't say it. You didn't wake up this way. You practiced it. You performed cynicism until it felt natural. You rehearsed bitterness until it became personality. You faked indifference so many times your heart believed it. "That's just how I am." No. That's just how long you've been performing. The mask fused to the face. The act became the actor. "God gave them over to a reprobate mind." Not all at once. One rehearsal at a time. You chose this fault. You cultivated it. And now it chose you back. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

There's a version of selflessness that's actually self-interest wearing better clothes. It speaks every language. It plays every role. It can even play the role of a person with no agenda. The favor you did without being asked. The sacrifice nobody saw. The way you gave without expecting anything back. Except you did expect something. You expected to become the kind of person who gives without expecting. And that's the return on investment. Self-interest doesn't disappear when you stop being selfish. It just upgrades its wardrobe. It learns the language of generosity. It memorizes the script of sacrifice. And it performs so well that even you believe it. "As rivers are lost in the sea, so are virtues lost in self-interest." The scariest version of selfishness is the one that genuinely believes it's generosity. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Here's something I can't unsee. Virtue doesn't walk alone. She needs an escort. And the escort's name is vanity. Remove every witness from your life. Every camera. Every audience. Every person who might notice. Now watch which virtues keep walking and which ones sit down. The ones that sat down were never yours. They were vanity's. She was just lending them to you for the performance. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Once you see this, it changes everything. Most of what passes for honesty is actually a very sophisticated form of image management. Think about the last time you were "vulnerable" with someone. You chose which weakness to show. You framed it in a way that made you look self-aware. You confessed the version of your failure that still made you look noble. That's not transparency. That's curation. Your vulnerability has a filter on it. Your honesty has a publicist. Real sincerity would terrify you. Because real sincerity doesn't get to pick which faults to show. It doesn't get to control the lighting. The person who says "I'm such a mess" has already decided exactly how messy they want you to think they are. The confession is the costume. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

This is the part nobody warns you about. Most compassion is a down payment on future help. When you see someone suffering and your heart breaks — look closer. Part of that ache is the quiet calculation: that could be me. The help you offer isn't pure. It's an insurance policy. You're investing in a world where people help each other, because you might need the payout. The meal you brought. The phone call you made. The money you gave. Was it love, or was it a deposit into a system you might need to withdraw from someday? This doesn't mean compassion is worthless. It means compassion is rarely what we think it is. The motive beneath the motive is almost always self-preservation dressed as tenderness. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Here's something most people miss. The day you stopped caring what people think wasn't freedom. It was an upgrade. Pride didn't die that day. It traded vanity for something better. It stopped begging for approval and started feeding on independence instead. You used to need their praise. Now you need them to know you don't need their praise. The audience changed. The performance didn't. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Here's something I can't unsee. There's a trade that happens in spiritual growth that nobody talks about. You give up the obvious sins. The drinking. The anger. The lust you can name. And something moves in to replace them. Something quieter. Something that wears a cleaner face. Edwards called them white devils. He said people "sold a beastly lust to pamper a devilish one." They turned out one black devil and let in seven white ones — worse than the first, but with a fairer countenance. Pride. Self-righteousness. The quiet confidence that you've arrived because you stopped doing the things that made you look bad. The black devils were obvious. Everyone could see them, including you. The white ones? They feel like holiness. They feel like progress. And that's what makes them so much more dangerous. Nobody warns you that the upgrade is the downgrade. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

There are people who glow in their own eyes. Their experiences. Their growth. Their spiritual story. They shine. Edwards said these people — the ones who think they're glistering in God's sight — are smoke in His nose. The distance between how bright you look to yourself and how you actually appear to God might be the most terrifying measurement in the universe. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Once you see this, it changes everything. There's a version of emptiness that's actually the fullest thing in the room. Edwards described people who were "confident that they are abased in the dust" — and yet were "full as they can hold with the glory of their own humility, and lifted up to heaven with a high opinion of their own abasement." Being emptied of yourself became the thing that filled them up. Their lowliness became their trophy. Their brokenness became their credential. This is the final form. Not pride dressed as confidence. Not ambition dressed as calling. But pride dressed as humility. The last disguise. The one even self-awareness can't catch — because the self-awareness IS the disguise. Somewhere along the way, "I am nothing" became the most impressive thing they could say about themselves. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

This is the part nobody warns you about. True assurance is supposed to be fragile. Edwards said something that flips everything: a true Christian's confidence weakens when they fall into sin. It's designed to. God built it that way — like a scale where love and fear are on opposite sides. When love decays, fear rises. That's not a malfunction. That's the system working. But the hypocrite's confidence? Unshakeable. Nothing disturbs it. Not sin. Not corruption. Not months of spiritual deadness. Their hope survives everything — and that survival is the clearest sign it was never real. If your assurance never wavers, it might not be assurance. It might be the thing assurance was designed to protect you from. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.

Edwards noticed that a person who can't stop talking about their spiritual experiences is "rather a dark sign than a good one." He compared it to a tree overloaded with leaves. Looks healthy. Looks full. But a tree that's all leaves rarely bears fruit. The person with the most to say about God might have the least to show for it. If you want conviction in the age of compromise, you know where to find me.